I can’t remeber the last time I felt “normal”, so much has happened in the last four years. Some really good stuff but some not so great too. I want to start with the happy parts , because they are more important and what I want to hang on – obviously … I got married, I had a daughter , we moved into a nice flat ( compared to where i lived in the past, lol), I met some lovely people and I stayed in contact with amazing friends , I had the opportunity to spend more time with my family, I met my in-laws and love them!! I probably have more things but I guess these are the most important.
So why do I complain so much?? Well my health is what failed me in the past 4 years and it took me by storm because from being a healthy 30 something travelling through Africa, I became a sick slightly older stuck in my bed / home most of the time. When I was in Tanzania I got really sick and at first I thought , as did the doctors, that it was some kind of bug I got by living there. But nothing they were giving me was working, I was just getting worse and worse. So after a month I made the trip, on my own to Italy, where my family live, to get some help. It only took a few days in hospital and some very good doctors to figure out what was wrong with me. I was diagnosed with Ulcerative colitis , which is a chronic condition that causes part of my digestive system to become inflamed and ulcerated. I remember vividly when the doctor told me what this was. I felt like I was falling in an endless tunnel and I couldn’t breathe. He said to me it was no big deal and I could easily control it and have a normal life. It took me 4 years , hospital stays, a long list of medications and lots of pain , physical and mental, to find something that works for me. And that is some pills to take morning and evening, and a day in hospital to get a drip every two months. That is for the physical side but what about mentally and emotionally?? That takes a lot of courage, strength and help from others.
I’m sure what works for me is different from other people but I guess as long as you find the right thing for you it’s all good. For me it was therapy , for one year every week, meditation and the amazing support from my family. In primis my hubby , who was with me everyday, every hospital stay, who held my hand every time I cried, who patiently stayed in with me, who helped me raised our baby and was open to learn what I needed. My beautiful daughter doesn’t even know how much she helped me, she probably saved me from depression, she gave me a reason everyday to try my best and she gave me lot of cuddles.
So again you will ask , why am I complaining? I’m all better now, my ulcerative colitis is in remission, what more can i ask for? Well, I had a couple of good months and then something else started. An inexplicable pain that just doean’t go away. Imagine being in pain all day (that means night too) everyday. It has now been 4 months, I have been through many tests and spoke to different doctors in two countries , but the only answer they gave me has been something called ” pelvic chronic pain syndrome”. What does it mean? Nothing. It means I have a chronic pain , located in my pelvis but they don’t know why. Possibly my life is even worse now.
Does that mean I’m sad all the time? Does it mean I’m doing nothing all the time? Am i staying at home everyday? NO. NO. NO. This time I was ready for the battle. I knew what it feels like to be unwell every day, going to hospital all the time, just going through shitty times. I am learning to control my pain with breathing and meditation. So far these are the only things that get me trough my pain. I’m learning to embrace my pain, not trying to push it away. I’m learning that sometimes I have to stay quiet till I feel better and then I can do something. Everyday is a battle but I’m happy to fight it because I’m alive and that’s what matters.
Self-love is essential, and no I don’t mean that kind. I mean eating well, taking time for yourself, doing anything that makes you feel good. You heard this before? Because it’s true!!! After reading this take a vow. Tomorrow start doing one thing that makes you feel good. I’ll do mine, I’ll start writing this blog… for me.